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Posts Tagged ‘Fox News’

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest speech mankind has ever heard. And I will tell you this: THERE WAS NO COLLUSION.

Two years ago, a truly great American who now stands before you took office as President of the United States. This momentous event, witnessed by the largest audience ever assembled for anything, anywhere, came as a great beacon of light for millions of Americans who had lived through terrible carnage during previous administrations. It came as a joyous dawn to end the long nightmare that had caused blood to run in our veins, rapists to mow our lawns, and child traffickers to clean our hotel rooms.

But two years later, we find that the government is shut down. For almost a month, I have been crippled by the binding tentacles of Cryin’ Chuck and Nancy, and unable to fulfill the promises I made to my base. Seven-hundred-and-thirty days (and counting) after becoming president, too many white citizens still find themselves exiles in their own land.

In a sense, we’ve come to our nation’s capital, within a few short blocks of the Trump International Hotel Washington D.C., to ask for a loan. When I was looking for money for various real estate projects before I became president, it was only Russian mobsters and money launderers (very fine people, I might add) who were all too happy to bankroll me. Their loans were a promise to all grifters that no matter how many bankruptcies one had in the past, or legal judgments filed against them, they would still be guaranteed the unalienable right to get rich by stiffing contractors or through other dubious schemes — even while holding elective positions.

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Two days after signing a mammoth tax cut for the Trump family and ultra-wealthy Republican donors, our fake-president told friends at Mar-a-Lago “You all just got a lot richer.” Notice that he didn’t follow up by demanding they pass that largesse on to workers as higher wages, and to create new jobs or bring others back from overseas. That’s something you’d expect from a true populist, except you’d never find one at Mar-a-Lago. It certainly wouldn’t come from Donald Trump unless he was peddling the snake oil and Kool-Aid he’s famous for at a rally of true believers.

Speaking of Trump’s winter White House, the Washington Post reports that prices for tickets at Mar-a-Lago’s “very glam” New Year’s Eve party went up this year, another example of how the Grifter-in-Chief thinks nothing of lining his own pockets while president. [Trigger alert: Reading this article may induce vomiting.]

One guest and fan is quoted as saying: “Now he’s president, and he’s accomplished so much already.” That’s certainly true if you happen to be a white billionaire whose major worries are sagging skin; an evangelical Christian who sees the Trump administration as proof of God’s will; a gun owner convinced that even more firearms are the answer to epidemic levels of gun violence; a neo-Nazi or white supremacist thrilled that an ally now sits in the Oval Office; or someone who doesn’t know the difference between real journalism and state-run TV, aka Fox News.

More than two centuries ago, the French had an answer to the obscene wealth that royalty and the upper classes enjoyed. It was called the guillotine. I’d settle for a Democratic takeover of the Senate and House in 2018.

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Sunday, Joe the celebrity Plumber was on Fox News questioning Barack Obama’s loyalty to America. Apparently, Sam (his real name) doesn’t know the difference between an approximate 3%-4% tax hike on people making more than $250,000/year (specifically, the amount over $250,000) and socialism (or worse). 

A word of advice for any Ohioans contemplating calling Sam (aka Joe) if their toilet becomes clogged: this man doesn’t know shit.

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