Dear President Trump,
I understand you have reopened your search for a national security advisor and would like to submit my name for consideration.
As you will note in the attached resume, I have absolutely no governmental experience — much like you before being elected to office by a historically large margin. I’m also completely lacking in in-depth or even superficial knowledge of the issues that would fall under my purview if hired for this position. I say this, not to brag, but to point out how much I have in common with your senior advisors, Stephen Bannon and son-in-law Jared, and any number of your cabinet appointees.
Another thing in my favor is that I never read newspapers like The New York Times or Washington Post, or watch CCN — media that, along with SNL, you have correctly identified as enemies of the American people. I prefer to stay abreast 🙂 of current events by watching Sean Hannity and Fox and Friends, and checking out Breitbart News, which you can always count on for the unvarnished truth or alternative fact.
As far as handling sensitive policy matters goes, I believe that we’re definitely on the same wavelength. Why just the other day, my ex-wife and I had a screaming argument about alimony in front of other patrons at a local club. What’s more, the waitress took my side while delivering my glass of Trump Meritage and “accidentally” spilling coffee on the ex.
Which reminds me: Ivanka Trump is my go-to brand whenever I’m buying gifts for all my girlfriends. Nothing against Melania but I’d be happy to bring one or two of them along with me for an interview if you get my drift.
Thank you for taking time between golf rounds and watching the cable shows to look at my resume. Out of respect for your preferences, I’ve kept it one-page and 3 bullet-points long, and included a Google map to show where I live. Hiring me would go a long way towards fulfilling your campaign promise to bring back jobs — did I mention that I am currently a telemarketer in the Philippines?
With your permission, I’d like to end by being a bit poetic: If you’re in need of an octane booster for your fine-tuned machine of an administration, I’m definitely your additive.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.